Premiership review 28th October

October 30, 2006

Bolton v Man U

Only Nolan missing for Bolton…Ronaldo back on the right of midfield as Giggs continues on the opposite flank..
Jaskellainen only conceded one goal from open play so far this season.

All early possession and threat of breaking the deadlock from United…Giggs especially lively. Saha’s shot saved on the line by defender…
Rooney scores with a left foot drive after running onto intelligent through ball from Carrick…goal drought over 0-1.10’
Rooney grabs his second after collecting a loose ball, 25 yards out, picks his spot, cracks a beautiful curling drive just inside the post…0-2 16’
Vidic- tough tackling. Carrick long ball finds Saha who runs at goal then squares for Ronaldo to score into an open net… 0-3 82’
Fletcher intercepts weak cross field pass, then sends Rooney through, who finishes with aggression past the impressive jaskelainen..0-4 82’

Man United were in scintillating form. Not just Rooney who scored a powerful hatrick to end his much publicized lean period. But every member of the team. They could have won this 0-10. Slick passing, crisp movement and arguably their best performance for a few years. Every one of Rooney’s goals smacked of class. The bullish Man U and England striker is approaching his 21st birthday this week, but his biggest smile will no doubt come from the satisfaction of regaining that brutal sharpness which makes him unstoppable. As the Bolton defence saw this afternoon. Vidic grows in stature with each outing and looks to be an astute signing by the Scot at the top.FT 0-4
MOM- SuperRooney. Back to his devastating best.

S United v Chelsea

Joe cole back for Blues.

J Cole injures Michael Tonge in first minute with stamp to his ankle. Sheffield bossing matters.
Drogba adjudged to have pulled down Hulse..definately NOT a tackle or push…
Hilario saves the spot-kick, leaping quickly down to his left to paw the ball away to safety..Justice.
Lampard header saved from close range…Chelsea gaining prominence…
Long range free kick from Lampard swerves slightly but Paddy Kenny misjudges it and the ball flies straight past him…0-1 43’
Deep cross from Lampard sets up Ballack for a header at the far post. 0-2 49’
Ref missed a blatant handball and allowed S united shot to be taken…shit ref.FT 0-2.

Comfortable for Mourinho. Noting spectacular but got the job done.
Paddy Kenny actually jumped away from the ball for Lampards free kick goal!!!

fast finding his head at premiership altitude, Ballack

Arsenal v Everton

Arteta corner met in the obx by super rat Cahill whose weak header falls onto his boot and rebounds past the static Lehman…0-1
Arteta nearly stomped by Gallas after hugging the frenchman then leaving his foot trailing over his chest…both booked for ‘afters’.
Henry close with well timed header..Rosicky drive reaches roof of the net..Rosicky close with outside of the right boot from 25 yards…Howard tips over Van Persie, hit from 18 yards..Henry header flashes past the post…. Van Persie scores delightful curling free kick from 22 yards out..keeper gets a touch but cant stop it nestling into the top corner…1-1 71′.

FT 1-1

Everton lucky to get away with a point. Arsenal continue to gel together as a team of ambitious young upstarts, but it is obviously going to take a while to get all the new cogs complementing each other as Asshole Wenger envisages…

Curled in a delightful equaliser,Robin Van Penis

Portsmouth v Reading

Kanu claims the opener with his 7th of the season…1-0 9’even though it was Gunnerson who elbowed the ball into his own net..not kanu’s goal..cheeky fucker…Benjani useless; two clear chances fluffed, once on a plate from Kanu and then his one-on-one with the keeper lob attempt. Sol Campbell steers a lofted volley pass to Kanu who gets a UK size 12 right boot on the ball to push it past Hammerman for 2-0 52’..that was definitely Kanu’s!
Mendes made it 3-0 with a perfectly executed volley from 189 yards out..his exocet smashing in off the post…
3-0 66’
The long range shooting of Mendes is consistently lethal.
Mendes handles a shot on the line then pushes it clear for throw…Doyle wins a 5 man scramble to poke home for 3-1…James had completely misjudged the trajectory of the cross!

FT 3-1

‘it was a stupid thing to do..really stupid..but they scored from the resulting corner so it was fair’-Mendes, in reference to his disgraceful handball which thwarted a certain goal.

Ben thatcher’s best mate, Sharp shooter Mendes

Liverpool v Villa

Carragher pumps one forward to big Sami Hyppia, the defender cushions the ball into the path of Dirk Kunt who brings it down via his chest before whipping a rasping shot past the keeper for 1-0 31’
Crouch scores with a first time shot from 15 yards past sorrowful Sorenson..2-0
Flowing Liverpool passing move ends with Garcia slotting the third goal for his team, under the flaccid frame of Sorenson…3-0 44’
Villa pull one back through Agbonalhor with clever drive past Reina .3-1.(set up by Chris Sutton.)

FT 3-1

Villa poor. Liverpool rampant.

Spanish sleazeball, Luis’prettyboy’Garcia

Watford v Spurs

Watford dominating….Shittu’s delicate pullback skied 50 yards over by Tommy smith from close range..
Lennon twice denied by Watford’s England keeper, Foster…Ashley Young wrongly judged guilty on offside charges, after he was clean through and scored past Robinson…bad decision.
Foster foils Lennon again after the youngster had burst between two defenders to find space for the strike…FT 0-0
MOM– Foster.
Watford played to their maximum but didn’t have the rub of the green..

The future England number one, Ben Foster of Watford.

Newcastle v Charlton

Carson smacked in the head by Rossi’s knee…sporting sympathetic reaction from the Italian.
Rossi close with volley, onto the bar after Duff had made the chance…FT 0-0

MOM Scott Carson…he earned the point for Charlton.

Fulham v Wigan

Wigan had been pushing hard and earned the penalty when Zat Knight handballed on the line.,..Penalty struck the bar!!! Fulham asleep.
Mistake from Zat Knight allowed Cammarra to run through and clip a shot past Niemi for 0-1

FT 0-1

Well deserved victory for Jewell and his well trained hyenas..lackluster Fulham.

Not a good afternoon for Zat the Knight

Best performance– Wayne Rooney (Man U)
Pitiful Wench– Zat Knight (Fulham)


Death of a President (review)

October 23, 2006


The President of the United States is in town to attend a meeting loosely geared towards discussing Economic issues though the real topic of discussion-as per usual with that warmongering shitbrain- is upsetting more foreign nations with threats and patriotic chest beating. Fortunately on this occasion the American public have been alerted to the prime opportunity to show their disgust, and the route for the presidential motorcade is flooded with a few thousand anti-Bush activists vociferously screaming for the demented simpleton’s liver and spleen. The demonstrators become somewhat uncontrollable for the police muscle to contend with adequately so the route (of the president’s motorcade)is switched to prevent his limousine falling foul to a justified outbreak of mass-hatred.
Smiling like a loon, despite the obvious rancour displayed by the very people he is supposed to represent, Bush arrives at the venue, makes his speech to wild applause from the greed-heads present, then decides to shake a few hands of his most loyal supporters, in an area just outside the building…
…Meanwhile, the police have started cracking skulls and trying every evil trick they can legally justify to quell the crowd’s feverish pursuit of their Commander in Chief’s devilish limbs. In the chaos that ensues as pepper spray blinds innocent eyes and batons split vulnerable femurs, a few brave and lucky demonstrators manage to weave successfully through the heavily armed but busy police lines…
…The scene switches back to the rear of the building where the eagle-eyed secret service agents spot a known Bush-hater in the small section containing the supposedly well vetted VIP supporters of their God and paymaster. Before the madman has a chance to lay a few words of common sense on the President, he is brought to the ground by a gang of henchmen. The chance of trouble appears to have been averted. As the presidential detail breathes a combined sigh of relief shots are heard and Bush is flung to the ground by the violent impact of two high velocity slugs of destiny fired from a window of a neighbouring office block.

The rest of the story centres around the investigation to find the sniper; which is unsurprisingly akin to a modern-day witch hunt. Many people are arrested. The swine get their man and lo and behold he turns out to be a Syrian! But have the over-zealous, incompetent, bloodthirsty FBI got the Right man???????

By combining real footage, a very believable storyline and acceptable but not brilliant acting; Death of the President serves as an emotive, potent experience. But like me, I expect, or hope, that most of you will leave the film wishing so much that it was all true.

(I wonder what the White House scum made of this one??I can just imagine Dick Cheney bursting into hysterics until he feels the fist of Rumsfeld lodging itself firmly in his over-used rectum. A horrible thought…)

Premiership review 21st october, 2006

October 22, 2006

Chelsea v Portsmouth

After an early half-chance for Kanu which he headed a few feet over Hilario’s bar, Chelsea quickly took this game by the scruff of the neck and the difference in class between these two teams, separated by only two places in the table, was apparent to all viewers. The triple horned strike force of Shevchenko, Drogba and Robben was simply too much for the flat back four of Portsmouth that has been so well drilled this season by ex-Arsenal and England stalwart, Tony Adams.
The flying Dutchman, Robben, was thwarted by the giant frame of David James who made himself big and narrowed the angle quickly when the winger thrust through the centre to find himself with only the keeper to beat. Soon after, Chelsea captain Terry had the ball in the net, but his effort was disallowed due to Drogba’s push on James. The Ukranian, Shevchenko was ultra eager to get his first premiership goal since his astronomical 30 million pound move from AC Milan and he almost got just that when he cut in from the left to curl a strike towards the top corner, but James timed his jump to perfection and pawed the ball away to safety. It could have been 2-0 to Chelsea by half time were it not for the outstanding form of David James who saved twice again from Robben. Still, when the ref blew his whistle, despite the savagely one-sided nature of the match, the teams went into the interval level.

After the restart the pattern of Chelsea dominance continued and on 55’ Andrei Shevchenko finally grabbed his first goal for the champs. Moments earlier Lampard had flashed a header just wide after arriving late in the box to get on the end of a well delivered Cole cross, but it was Robben who charged down the left wing, played a perfect ball across the box for the Ukranian to hit a first-time shot, which took a slight but influential deflection of sorry Sol Campbell, before passing James and nestling into the corner of the net for a thoroughly deserved 1-0 lead for Chelsea. Unfortunately the striker was so relieved and elated at breaking his goal scoring drought that he rushed to the crowd and gave a few lucky fans a warm embrace which resulted in a YELLOW card from the officious ref. Two minutes later, Ashley Cole produced a wonderful cross from the left which Drogba intelligently headed back across the face of goal to Ballack who powered a header beyond James into the roof of the net for 2-0. As with Shevchenko, it was the German’s first goal for the club, and he followed his team-mate into the book for ‘illegal’ celebrations involving the fans. Not long after the second goal flew in, Mourinho was in trouble for keeping the ball in play when it looked likely to go off for a throw. The Portugese man of war was warned for his mistake, and a drop-ball routine ensued to restart play.
Portsmouth did pull a goal back when Benjani pounced on a scramble in the Chelsea box to slam the ball past Hilario for 2-1 on 69’ but that was really a lot more than his team deserved. The belligerent Drogba almost added a third for the champs after masterfully bringing down a high pass then powering a screamer towards goal only to see the in-form James acrobatically push the ball away for a corner.

MOMthe much maligned David James. Saved his team from a serious drubbing.

The man of the match award must go to David James, and though I am extremely surprised to find myself typing these words, because I have long been one of the most feverish campaigners for ‘JAMES OUT THE ENGLAND SETUP’; on this kind of showing he still has much to offer his country. Simply put, without him, Chelsea would have won this by 5 or 6 goals. A very professional performance by the Blues with much to admire about their approach play and ability to control the match from start to finish.

Wigan v Man City

Though Man City had a few first teamers missing through injury, I doubt any of their players or supporters were expecting the drubbing their team received in this encounter with Paul Jewell’s well organized and highly determined warriors…
It was as early as the second minute when Emil Heskey blasted Wigan into the lead after swinging his right boot at a driven cross from the right, hitting an unstoppable shot into the net from 15 yards out for 1-0. On 4’ Skoko floated a free kick into the City area which Richard Dunne inexplicably headed past poor Nicky weaver into his own net for 2-0 Wigan. There was one half chance for Pearce’s pansies which Darius Vassel tamely placed well wide of the target. The third goal of the game came on XX after great work from Baines set up a chance for Cammara to capitalize on ponderous City defending and stab the ball home from 3 yards out.3-0. However the best strike of the match was supplied by the Ecuadorian international Valencia. Heskey, who won every aerial ball challenged for, jumped well to collect a high pass from defence before laying the ball succulently into the path of Valencia who took a few strides towards goal before blasting an delightful drive from 20 yards out, past an increasingly bemused Nicky Weaver for 4-0.
City were incredibly woeful; static in defence, absent minded in midfield and totally toothless in attack. Wigan, who were due a win after going 5 games without, were entertaining, adventurous and seemed hungrier than their opponents for victory in every contested tackle. Emile Heskey was in superb form, showing strength in the air and on the ground and it is the former Leicester and Liverpool striker who earns the Man of the Match award. After watching Stuart Downing’s lethargic, sub-standard showings for England against Macedonia and Croatia it is a wonder why Leighton Baines hasn’t been given a chance on the left wing while Joe Cole is recovering from injury. I guess the reason for that is that unlike Downing, Baines hasn’t played under Mclaren before.
A beautiful first goal in premiership for Valencia.
Wigan wonderful. City in relegation form. Stuart Pearce better bash some skulls sharpish or his team will find themselves in a dogfight with the other basement dwellers come what May.

Versatile and as strong as Rhino, Wigan’s Emile Heskey.

Everton V Sheffield United

After a minor slump in their recent form, David Moyes was looking to get his toffees back on track against one of the weaker sides in the Premiership.
In the 13th minute, Arteta strode purposefully forward, laid the ball off to the right flank where Phil Neville bulldozed towards the touchline before playing an inviting cross into the box which Arteta managed to get his head onto, confidently directing the ball into the corner of the goal for 1-0. The replay showed Andy Johnson has pushed Sheffield defender, Davis, as he was about to jump up to defend the cross. Thankfully for Everton the ref missed the infringement and let the goal stand. It was Arteta again who provided the guile to send Johnson into the area before the skinhead striker was bundled to the ground by Davis. The ref had no hesitation in awarding a harsh RED card to Davis and a penalty to Everton which James Beattie duly despatched with aplomb for 2-0 Everton on 33’. Rob Hulse had a great chance to pull one back for Sheffield United before half time but Toffees keeper, Howard, was alert to the close range header which he reacted to well, diverting the ball away from goal. Andy Johnson almost added to the home side’s lead when a deflected pass put him in one-on-one with the keeper but his shot struck the foot of the post before bouncing clear to safety.
The second half saw admirable effort from Sheffield United to get back into the game with Legerwood twice testing Howard but it was Mcfadden (of Everton) who came closest to adding to the score-line with a powerful header from close range which was well saved by Paddy Kenny in the Sheffield goal.

Neil Warnock was understandably annoyed with referee Dermot Gallagher who missed Johnson’s blatant push on Davis for the first goal, and then awarded the penalty against Davis for minimal contact with Johnson, in the area soon after. Everton deserved the victory but were a little lucky with the manner in which they got the goals to win this one 2-0. Sheffield United could have earned a penalty but right back, Bromby, honrouably decided to stay on his feet after getting hacked in the area, and the resulting move broke down. I guess you can’t have it both ways, but if Bromby had gone down under the challenge it would have been a definite penalty and perhaps a lifeline back into the match for the blunt but honest Blades. Everton regain that winning mentality as their terrific home form continues. Warnock and his lads, lacking quality and sinking further down the table.

Everton’s Andy Johnson (left) who helped create the space for Everton’s first then engineered the killer second goal after falling over in the area.

Villa v Fulham

Still unbeaten Villa should have been presented with the opportunity to take the lead from the spot early on in this encounter when Fulham’s Rossinier, standing well inside his own 18 yard area, cushioned the ball down with his forearm. The ref missed it but then soon rebalanced the karma at Villa park by penalizing the same player, Rossinier for breathing on Petric near the by line, again in the Fulham box. Barry thundered the resulting penalty into the roof of the net to give his side a 1-0 lead on 25’. Deep into stoppage time, Radzinski created the yard on the left flank that he needed to send in a deep left footed cross which found team-mate Volz at the far post who placed his volley past the despairing figure of Sorensen. The sides went into the break level at 1-1.
Barry went close in the second half with a devilish free kick that only needed the slightest of touches to put Villa ahead but alas nobody was close enough to make contact. Fulham did seem the brighter team and more likely to grab the winner than their Midlands opponents, but this one ended 1-1.

Martin O’Neil admitted, after the game, that his Villa team hadn’t played well while Fulham boss Chris Coleman felt aggrieved at the penalty award asserting that his side did enough to merit a victory. Man of the match was Gareth Barry who, like Wigan’s Baines, must be knocking on the door of an international call up after maintaining his impressive form.

Improving with every match, the indefatigable Gareth Barry of Aston Villa. Surely pushing for consideration for the England set-up.

Charlton v Watford

Beleaguered, aesthetically challenged Charlton boss, Ian Dowie, was desperate for a victory in this 6 pointer after steering his side to 5 consecutive defeats. But Ade Bothryod’s gritty charges came to town looking to avoid the mire where Dowie has positioned his troops and snatch the elusive 3 points for themselves.
Right from the off both teams showed industry but lacked talent and ingenuity on the ball. The home crowd held their breath in anticipation of a penalty when Stewart was correctly adjudged to have handled the ball when standing a yard inside the Watford 18 yard box but bizarrely the referee gave a free kick just outside the area. Reid hit the free kick with venom but Foster saved well. The match was lively but the only real chance unfortunately fell to ex-Gills superstar, Darius Henderson, who skied his shot well over the bar from only 5 yards out after the chance had been set up on a plate by Ashley Young down the right flank. Before then whistle Tommy Smith went close for Watford with a speculative volley but the game ended scoreless.
Charlton really should have had a penalty from the handball that everybody but the ref saw was in the area, but other than Andy Reid, both sets of players looked out of their depth in the Premiership and unlikely to produce much other than hot air and the kind of attacking endeavour seen at primary school football tournaments.
MOM: Reid

‘who wants some?’ roared Charlton boss, Iain Dowie after watching his side struggle to contain Watfor.

News 20/10/06:Russian jokes, the arms trade and ugly, squat goblin-like creatures…

October 20, 2006

X stand up comedy champion of the KGB-Putin

During a recent visit to the Kremlin (Moscow) by Israeli prime-minister, Ehud Olmert, the Russian leader, Vladimir Putin made these shocking remarks; apparently an ill-fated attempt at humour,
Say hello to your president. What a strong man! He raped ten women! I never expected that from him! We all envy him,”. Comments which weren’t well received by Olmert, who took his time to recover from the jibe and then countered with this line of useless drivel,
‘“Mr. President, I want you to know that we in Israel are very glad that Russia did not show its predominance over Israel at least in football’. Which was a reference to the recent football match in which Israel earned a creditable 1-1 draw with the Russian national team.
On a more serious note, the real reason for Olmert’s visit to the Kremlin was not to trade jokes but to voice concerns over Iran’s continued defiance of strong-arm tactics by the US and demands made by the UN to halt their nuclear endeavours. The Russians have been building a nuclear reactor in Bushehr(Iran) for the Iranians which is designed for producing electricity but from which the technology could be used to expedite the alleged march towards the situation which Israel, and their main benefactors, the US, greatly fear; a nuclear armed Iran. The fuel that will be supplied with the Bushehr reactor, once used, can then be discarded, reprocessed, or used in the manufacture of weapons-grade plutonium.

Looking for friends, Olmert the Oppressor.

Olmert was asking Putin for support in his mission to frighten Iranian president Ahmadinejad away from that situation…
‘(we need to )cause Iran to be afraid that something they do not want to happen to them will happen to them’ said Olmert.
Whether Putin will take any notice of Israeli unease over Tehran’s ambitions is open to debate considering the financial connections between the two countries. Russia have agreements in place to supply Iran with $4bn of arms. Interestingly, Putin also sells weapons to Venezuala and Syria, who are also fiercely despised enemies of the US, and in turn Israel.
Russia are also involved in major energy and military dealings with China, and the East Asian Tigers are themsleves inextricably linked with the Iranians…
‘In March 2004, China’s state-owned oil trading company, Zhuhai Zhenrong Corporation, signed a 25-year deal to import 110 million tons of liquefied natural gas (LNG) from Iran. This was followed by a much larger deal between another of China’s state-owned oil companies, Sinopec, and Iran, signed in October 2004. This deal, worth about $100 billion, allows China to import a further 250 million tons of LNG from Iran’s Yadavaran oilfield over a 25-year period. In addition to LNG, the Yadavaran deal provides China with 150,000 barrels per day of crude oil over the same period.’(Asia Times Online)

I am pushing on with these laboured attempts of exposing the $ connections between Russia, China and Iran because China and Russia both wield the power of Veto to any UN security proposals, due to their status as permanent members (of that council).

Around the same time that the Israeli tyrant Olmert was snuggling up to the Russian president, his Iranian counterpart and nemesis, Mr. Ahmadinejad ,was making these rather inflammatory comments…

We have advised the Europeans that the Americans are far away, but you are the neighbours of the nations in this region…You imposed a group of terrorists… on the region. It is in your own interest to distance yourself from these criminals… This is an ultimatum. Don’t complain tomorrow….Even if we assume the Holocaust is true, then why should the Palestinians pay the price for it….We inform you that the nations are like an ocean that is welling up, and if a storm begins, the dimensions will not stay limited to Palestine, and you may get hurt’. The you he was referring to are the European states who have supported and at best turned a blind eye to years of unforgivable Israeli oppression of the Palestinians and Lebanese. These European states I can assume to include the UK. But how can I react other than with sympathy for the arab cause to end Israeli occupation and oppression and hope that the inevitable can be avoided. What did England do when the Israeli army was gleefully gutting hundreds of innocent lebenese lives and bombing their infrastructure back into the dark ages? Nothing. We did nothing…which was tantamount to condoning the carnage. The other aggravating factor behind this widening of Iran’s potential targets/enemies is English support of American efforts to push UN sanctions onto Iran without having any proof to justify the sanctions. There is NO evidence that Iran are already well on their way towards developing nuclear weapons yet the US and UK are publicly fervent campaigners for referral of the issue to the UN security council and serious action. However, despite major efforts at persuasion from various security council members, Russia would not be coerced into agreeing to any sanctions against Iran, that could lead to military action.

Mr. Olmert is living in a dream world if he thinks himself capable of causing ‘Iran to be afraid’, and this was made clear as daylight by Mr. Ahmadinejad’s closing comments in his Jerusalem day speech,
This(Israeli) regime, thanks to God, has lost the reason for its existence. Efforts to stabilise this fake regime, by the grace of God, have completely failed

While I definitely could never agree with the ludicrous suggestion that Israel should be ‘wiped off the map’ as the Iranian President has repeated on numerous occasions, I do feel that they need to be ushered back behind the borders that were given to them when they originally were allocated the land in the Middle East back in the 1950s, if there is ever to be a reduction in the horrific hostilities that plague that volatile area of the world. Since moving in, the Israeli government has systematically annexed great swathes of Palestinian land and oppressed the Arab peoples who were unfortunate enough to have been given- as neighbours- an US armed Israel with Western support to do as they pleased with the region. Two wars with Lebanon, and the continued destruction, annexation and aggressive policing of land that simply doesn’t belong to the Israelis has caused a huge amount of justifiable hatred. Hatred which will reach boiling point as soon as Iran gain the technology and materials to create a nuclear bomb. Because then, at that stage, there will be an Arab power in the region who will be able to stand up the Israelis and say ‘get the fuck out of the Palestine, get the fuck away from Lebanon and get back to your own land’. But bearing in mind the Iranian leader’s comments I, and I guess Olmert and his crew, would be fools to assume that the demands would stop there. This is the terrifying position that Israel are moving towards, but could it not have been avoided by controlling the Zionist expansion policies that the West have instead allowed and America has supported in $ and weapons? ($3bn of arms are donated to Israel by the US every year and there is multi-billion dollar triangle which exists and flows between a handful of US weapons manufacturers, the US government and the Israeli government). I should mention that the IDF, Israeli Defence Force, possesses undeclared nuclear weapons and is reported to be the third most technologically advanced fighting force on the planet. Enough.
Let me try move onto some news which isn’t so distressing. Actually before I leave this story, or update as it may be, I should explain the origins of Putin’s comments about the Israeli President which started me on this murky path of $, weapons and apocalyptic threats. President Katsav is under investigation for the alleged ‘rape, forced sexual acts, sexual acts without consent and sexual harassment’ of several members of his staff. The Israeli police say they have enough evidence to make those charges stick like shit on the sole of Timberland and ‘send that ruthless, gutless, arrogant swine to the gallows’. Katsav is also under investigation for wire tapping offences. And just to set the record as straight as possible in these weird circumstances of the powerful Putin apparently showing approval of rape, a Russian spokesman has since confirmed that the comments were true(as in they were actually said) but went on to explain that the Russian leader was attempting to make fun of Olmert’s fuck-buddy. The intended humour was obviously lost in translation.

The future of humanity:Golems and Goblins.

An extravagantly imaginative theorist at the London School of Economics (shouldn’t he be concocting financial theories?), Oliver Curry, has wowed the scientific community by predicting that the human race will peak in the year 3000 then steadily decline into two sub-species. The decline would come, in Curry’s future world, as a result of humanity’s over dependence on technology…
The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the “underclass” humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures’ (BBC)
Life as a male human being around the year 3000 sounds intriguing with the upper genetic class of our race developing longer life spans, increased height, squarer jaws and wait for it, yes, bigger dicks. As for the ladies, well, they are going to become totally hairless, with large clear eyes and thankfully, ultra pert breasts.
Still, after that golden era penciled in for the next century has reached it’s climax, the more distant future looks far less rosy…
While science and technology have the potential to create an ideal habitat for humanity over the next millennium, there is a possibility of a monumental genetic hangover over the subsequent millennia due to an over-reliance on technology reducing our natural capacity to resist disease, or our evolved ability to get along with each other’, said Dr Curry

Expeditions into the deep jungle of Papua New Guinea have unearthed the discovery of up to 28 new branches of the always remarkable looking orchid family tree…

We have an orchid which lives peacefully in our bathroom here at my mother’s house. And to my eagle eyes it looks uncannily similar to a vibrant example of female genitalia. Though I am yet to test whether it feels that way when mounted from behind.

Straight from the top 100 endangered animals listings, I bring you the delightful hairy-eared dwarf lemur. Ranking as one of the smallest known primates, and found exclusively in Madagascar the little rascals only grow to about 30cm and weight a minute 80-100g. Due to their low numbers, nothing definite is known about their diet but scientists assume that they chomp nectar or plant gums. Usually found in pairs, the lemurs- probably due to their small numbers- are seldom seen in social groups larger than a maximum of 6.

The appropriately named hairy-eared dwarf lemur.

A quick read over my first attempt at a varied news report since July doesn’t bring anything but a scowl to my face. And that isn’t due solely to the typically somber tone of events, more due to the scattered approach to delivering my intended message. Still. There are a few highlights, and the average quality of the report can be heightened by reproducing a paragraph from the Dostoyevsky classic, Crime and Punishment.
And it is the gritty genius who therefore becomes my ‘Author of the week’…

The bastards almost executed him, thank fuck they didn’t. Because he went on to write several of the most exceptional texts the world has known.

‘I maintain that if the discoveries of Kepler and Newton could not have been made known except by sacrificing the lives of one, a dozen, a hundred, or more men, Newton would have had the right, would indeed have been in duty bound… to eliminate the dozen or the hundred men for the sake of making his discoveries known to the whole of humanity. But it does not follow from that that Newton had a right to murder people right and left and to steal every day in the market. Then, I remember, I maintain that all…well, legislators and leaders of men, such as Lycurgus, Solon, Mahomet, Napolean, and so on, were all without exception criminals, from the very fact that, making a new law, they transgressed the ancient one, handed down from their ancestors and held sacred by the people, and they did not stop short at bloodshed either, if that bloodshed-often of innocent persons fighting bravely in defence of ancient law-were of use to their cause. It’s remarkable, in fact, that the majority, indeed, of these benefactors and leaders of humanity were guilty of terrible carnage. In short, I maintain that all great men or even men a little out of the common, that is to say capable of giving some new word, must from their very nature be criminals-more or less, of course. Otherwise it’s hard for them to get out of the common rut; and to remain in the common rut is what they can’t submit to, from their very nature again, and to my mind they ought not, indeed, to submit to it. You see that there is nothing particularly new in all that. The same thing has been printed and read a thousand times before. As for my division of people into ordinary and extraordinary, I acknowledge that it’s somewhat arbitrary, but I don’t insist upon exact numbers. I only believe in my leading idea that men are in general divided by a law of nature into two categories, inferior (ordinary), that is, so to say, material that serves only to reproduce it’s own kind, and men who have the gift or the talent to utter a new word. There are, of course, innumerable sub-divisions, but the distinguishing features of both categories are fairly well marked. The first category, generally speaking, are men conservative in temperament and law-abiding; they live under control and love to be controlled. To my thinking it is their duty to be controlled, because that’s their vocation, and there is nothing humiliating in it for them. The second category all transgress the law; they are destroyers or disposed to destruction according to their capacities. The crimes of these men are of course relative and varied; for the most part they seek in very varied ways the destruction of the present for the sake of the better. But if such a one is forced for the sake of his idea to step over a corpse or wade through blood, he can, I maintain, find within himself, in his conscience, a sanction for wading through blood-that depends on the idea and its dimensions, note that. It’s only in that sense I speak of their right to crime. There’s no need for much anxiety, however; the masses will scarcely ever admit this right, they punish them or hang them (more or less), and in doing so fulfil quite justly their conservative vocation. But the same masses set these criminals on a pedestal in the next generation and worship them(more or less). The first category is always the man of the present, the second the man of the future. The first preserve the world and people it, the second move the world and lead it to its goal. Each class has an equal right to exist’
(above text taken from Crime and Punishment)
Heavy as hell but awe inspiring work by the Russian madman who for me ranks as one of the all time greats of Word and Thought.

Manchester United v FC Copenhagen, 17/10/06, champions league group stage.

October 18, 2006

Manchester United V FC Copenhagen

Van de Sar
O’SHea Brown Vidic Evra

Fletcher Carrick Scholes
Saha Rooney


With Ryan Giggs and Gary Neville succumbing to injuries during the warm up, Ferguson was forced to reshuffle his pack with only minutes to spare before kick-off. Christiano Ronaldo was moved to the left wing, with Darren Fletcher coming into the starting XI to replace Giggs, slotting into the right midfield position vacated by the Portuguese. The dependable Wes Brown was inserted into the centre of defence, with John O’Shea deputizing for the veteran Gary Neville, at right back. With the lack of experience and natural leaders, the United manager picked Wayne Rooney as captain. Of course he could have chosen the wily, erudite figure of Edwin Van De Sar, but Rooney has already, even at his tender age, proved beyond any doubt that he is the perfect team-player, combining unquenchable spirit with dangerous desire for victory; an incandescent example to his team-mates.

WayneRooney, raised by Tyson and Winnie Mandela… 

1T:> Within seconds of the whistle, Rooney played an intelligent first time pass through the defence which Saha collected, 20 yards from goal, with only the keeper to beat, but the fleet footed striker’s shot was weak and predictable; easily saved by Christensen. The Frenchman should have scored but can be forgiven for needing more than half a minute to get into the match! And it was the profligate Saha again who could and perhaps should have scored twice in the subsequent first quarter of this match, flashing a shot across goal and then bringing a scrambler down on the deck before hitting the ball a few feet wide of the far post. Before the weak replacement for Van Nistelroy, fluffed yet another opportunity, the Copenhagen striker, Allback, was allowed to turn on the edge of the United 18 yard area, before despatching a useful drive towards the goal which was comfortably saved by the giant elf, Van de Sar. Rooney was looking lively and his distribution was the finest of all the players on the pitch and were it not for Saha’s shameful lack of finishing, the stand-in captain would have had two assists to his name before half time. Despite the Danes making a real game of it, when Carrick cracked one in from range I was getting the feeling that it was merely as matter of time before United made the breakthrough that their approach play deserved. In the 39th minute, the quiet of late, ginger ninja Scholes, was given room to shape and shoot from 25 yards out, beating the impressive Christensen with a perfect strike wide of the keeper’s despairing hands to put the Reds 1-0 up. There was time before the ref halted play for the break, for Ronaldo to go close with a deft header across the face of goal which epitomized the pattern of play that was set to continue as the match wore on…

Louis Saha- An inadequate replacement for the departed Van Nistelroy 
2T:>Straight from the restart Rooney beat the keeper to a well timed through-pass, nipping the ball over the stopper’s head, only to be thwarted at the last by the hulk of a recovering giant Copenhagen centre-back who with a 3 ft height advantage over Wayne, managed to steer the loose ball to the apparent safety of a corner. However, the resulting set piece found it’s way, rather fortuitously, to the standing leg of ace poacher, John O’Shea, before nestling in the net for 2-0 United. As the half wore on the Danes became more ragged, none more so than their keeper, Christensen, who took out Scholes with a perfectly timed, savage, two footed lunge on 58’ only to smile with glee after seeing the ref wave play on when anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of the game’s rules could see it was a penalty! A couple of minutes later Sir Alex brought on the bullish Alan Smith for Carrick and Ole Gunne Solsjkaer for the ineffective Saha, but neither were to make a meaningful mark on the game. There was a small glimmer of hope for the Danes when Hutchison wriggled free of his marker on 65’ but his shot from just inside the box, was weak and easily saved by the United Dutch-man between the sticks. The previously merit worthy Christensen lost his smile and soured his reputation when fumbling Kieran Richardson’s shot from range in the 83rd minute; his error allowing the ball to trickle through his tame attempt at a save, and into the unguarded net for 3-0 United.
FT Manchester United 3- 0 Copenhagen

it is always heartening for the United faithful to see such warm solidarity- Ole Gunne Saltshaker with x boyfriend and current team mate, Chrissy Ronaldo 

9 points from the opening three matches has pretty much secured qualification to the second round for Ferguson and his young charges but this was by far a vintage display. I would like to say ‘on another day Saha would have scored a hatrick’ but as I seem to be repeating this line every time I see him play, I am gradually concluding that he either lacks confidence or class. One can say that what he lacks of his predecessors finishing abilities he makes up for with electrifying pace, but what use is speed when you need 5 gilt-edged chances to score one goal? Thankfully for England and Man U supporters, Rooney is looking increasingly like his world class self of old, and even when he missed a couple of chances, the cheeky grin on his face and Zidane-esque passing maneuvers were enough to ease any treasonous concerns of his demeanor and foot-balling magnificence.
John O’Shea is a definite weak link in the team as is Darren Fletcher. Both players lacking the quality needed to compete with the stronger outfits in this competition. Vidic impressed with robust, intelligent tackling and useful distribution from the back, while Carrick in front of him in the anchor man position again through lack of bite forced Scholes to play more as a defensive midfielder than a forward-foraging central player. But I must admit that the 18m pound purchase from Totenham was second only to Rooney in terms of passing and technical guile.
Yes, the match was won, comfortably in terms of possession and goals but O’Shea’s strike was a freak occurrence and Richardson’s long range pea roller would have been saved by a keeper possessing even a infant’s judgement of trajectory. There were many chances for Luis Saha and his strike partner, Rooney, was unlucky not to score himself. But on a night when Ronaldo failed to shine more than a 15 watt carbon saving light bulb, Man united didn’t look like winners-elect of the champions league. I am sure that against superior opposition they would have struggled.

Player ratings
Van De Sar– Didn’t have much to do but what he had to do he did rather well:7
Brown– Competent and uncompromising as usual. A solid :7.
Evra– Showing promise and poise. Useful going forward: 7
O’Shea-Strong as an ox, clever as a newborn British Friesian. Despite the goal: 5.
Carrick– Useful on the ball, but poor without it. A typical 6.
Scholes– Crowned a good defensive showing with explosive blast from range: 7
Fletcher– Huffed, puffed and harried the opposition but bereft of talent: 6
Ronaldo– Looked interested but out of sorts. Dazzling footwork but depressing distribution : 5.
Rooney– The finest player on the field. Almost scored a couple and set up two brilliant chances for Saha. Led by example from beginning to end: 8.5
Saha– Woefully unable to capitalize on numerous openings in front of goal. Showed eagerness but no quality:5
Smith- Good to see him back in action after a lengthy lay-off. Still regaining match sharpness: 6
Solsjkaer– Not quite his former self. Yet. But looked dangerous in the final third: 6.5
Richardson– Didn’t have enough time to excite the crowd though he did manage to score his side’s third when the Copenhagen keeper made a real hash of the diminutive winger’s long range, slow paced, pass towards goal.6.5.

John O’Shea-footballer or cow?

Detained for being the wrong Dan…

October 18, 2006

I was once detained under armed guard for 11 hours at Cairo airport, Egypt. My then girlfriend had mixed up my passport with another Dan’s passport (from our shared house). Anyway we had somehow managed to get through British and Dutch customs/immigration but realized the passport error as we arrived at Cairo. As expected the Egyptian Officials, were rather unsympathetic.

They separated me from my lady, and then told me I would never see her again. They wouldn’t let her come and see me for about 4 hours or maybe 6, I can’t recall exactly, it was a surreal experience.

Also in this room, of detainees, were some other Arabs, harmless looking types, but also one man clothed in a yellow plastic one piece suit with chained cuffs linking his hands and his feet. He was a worrying proposition, and I knew who he was.

I knew him, because before being ‘detained’, I had been speaking with a huge Dutch Police Officer, not a normal cop, but some kinda Dutch Special services. I had asked him what he was doing, not sure why, maybe just cos he looked out of place in that cue of people lining up for immigration.

I had seen the yellow suited Arab, escorted through the barriers, and transferred from Dutch authority to Egyptian Authority, under the baleful gaze of this huge Dutch copper. All he told me was that the mystery man was someone ‘you wouldn’t want to meet’, which was no joke, but moreover some kind of fucked up premonition.

Suffice to say, this extradited chap, sitting 2 metres away from me, staring into my head like he wanted to carve it out with his own nails, made me feel a tad awkward!

I was allowed to go to the toilet which was the next room along, and I was allowed to smoke outside the room. My lady finally got permission to come say a very quick hello after hours of asking, which was hard for us both. I was falling to pieces at certain periods of that little episode. Even thinking about it now makes my neck gain some tension that I don’t like or need, so I shall bring this to a quick crescendo and suitable finish…

I was thrown crumbs by the guards, like I was their pet dog. Whenever I tried to sleep they knocked their huge wooden truncheons on the table near my head. They pretended they couldn’t speak any English apart from ‘SHE GONE’ and “SHE NOT COME BAK’, in reference to the supposed ‘departure’ of my lady, that the guards thought it funny to tell me.
This crazy yellow bastard, had his cuffs and chains loosened more and more during my stay in that room, and to be honest the thought of what might happen if they set him loose on me, did cross my mind and worry me considerably..
Anyway due to the sheer Bulldog determination of my lady, I managed to escape this chaotic scene with one hour to spare before my ‘deportation’.
She has managed to find one airport employee who allowed her to use the phone to contact the British embassy who sent a man down straight away, who in turn bargained with the guards, to allow my lady to speak to me again. He also begged them to let me get some sunlight and walk about, as I had been cooped up like a criminal for 11 hours without rest/sleep/food etc, but this request was flatly refused.

I remember when I was let out that damn room; I walked straight down the corridor, back into the immigration area, 12 hours after leaving it, then gave my lady a big hug and kiss, right in front of about 200ish Arabs who all turned and made a funny noise in scornful disgust! The British embassy man, quickly moved to separate us and get us out the airport and on our way to an enjoyable holiday. /

I didn’t like that night/dawn experience, I was in shock for a while, but a hut near the beach on the coast of Sinai and the hot sea and sun helped me relax thereafter…as did the Egyptian green.

British government supports human rights abuse, globally.

October 18, 2006

It was only last week when the British Foreign Office published their annual Human Rights Report. The Foreign Secretary, Margaret Becket, was the driving force behind this document which labelled 20 states from around the globe as ‘major countries of concern’ for human rights abuses.


Out of those 20 countries, the British government sell military equipment to 19. The group includes
Saudi Arabia and
Zimbabwe. Yes, I am not kidding here;
IRAN. Us Brits are arming two of the most serious enemies of our good friends of
Washington. So while John Bullshit Bolton, Donnie ‘the rascal’ Rumsfeld, Condi ‘fuckface’ Rice and the King of Kunts himself, George’please shoot me before I destroy the world’Bush, spread hatred for Kim Jong Il and Mr. Ahminedejad(sp!), the British government are granting licences for those very men to purchase British made weapons and munitions. At least that proves to me that as a nation we are not totally subservient to White House policy. But what fills me with disgust is this last year’s 68.5 million pounds worth of arms sales to
China. Why you may ask do I have such a problem with
China?? Well I can refer straight to the aforementioned Human Rights Report which states,

‘The Chinese authorities continue to violate a range of basic human rights. The use of the death penalty remains extensive and non-transparent; torture is widespread’

To get around an EU embargo which prohibits countries from selling ‘whole’ weapons to
Britain sell them weapons in parts.


4.5m pounds worth of armoured vehicles and military communication equipment was licensed for sale to
Colombia. A country of which the report said,

‘Serious human rights abuse remain a tragically common occurrence in Colombia…Illegal armed groups continue to carry out attacks on both military forces and the civilian population, and the incidence of murders, forced disappearances and kidnappings remains high’ (


15.5m pounds worth for the Israeli armed forces which even the fish of this planet know to be one of the most sinister and bloodthirsty of all organisations

‘UN humanitarian coordinator David Shearer wants to know why the IDF deployed 90 percent of its cluster bombs during the last 72 hours of the conflict(with Hezbollah), while the UN ceasefire resolution was being approved.(5) UN officials are reportedly “dumbfounded”.(6) What could explain Israel’s intention in such an act, when peace was at hand?…Two hundred thousand people cannot return to their homes due to the severity of destruction and the massive quantities of unexploded ordnance and cluster bomblets covering their communities..’(counterpunch)

(15.5m pounds is small fry when you consider that the
US , so kindly, annually donates, $3billion of military ‘aid’ to


10m pounds of licensed sales to

‘human rights defenders continue to be gravely concerned by actions taken by authorities… The
North Caucasus…remains one of
Europe‘s most serious human rights issues.”(British Foreign Office Human Rights report)


26m pounds worth to the Saudis…

‘there is still cause for serious concern about human rights in
Saudi Arabia(British Foreign Office Human Rights report)


It is disheartening to see the British government with the right hand pursuing peace and democracy, whilst using the left hand to licence arms exports to many of the world’s most despotic regimes. It is also insulting. Because the same government publishes a report clearly stating who are considered to be abusing the Rights of their own people, but don’t think twice about making a few quid off those same savage killers….money is more important than ethics to Tony Blair. Only a degenerate fool could seriously suggest that the British government is at all concerned with Peace.

British PM, Tony Blair says ‘You want guns??You want explosives??Gimme a call..All business is welcome.’ at a recent NRA convention in Luton.